In the past month I’ve had 2 events requiring me to not only test my stamina in heels, but also wear something that does not have a lycra panel that reaches up to my chest. The first event was when I was 18 weeks along, when I had a nice, neat little bump and swelling hadn’t yet spread to my thighs or chest. The other was for my baby shower at 23 weeks…where the swelling spread everywhere except my face, hands and ankles (I can only assume my body is saving these parts for its “third trimester grand finale”).
In continuing with my pregnancy goal of wearing clothes as form-fitting and cleavage bearing as possible (without looking like a sad, down-on-her-luck and out-of-shape hooker), the search was on to find the perfect ensembles that would ensure there would be no mistake between a baby belly and a beer gut.
Enter the Hervé Leger dress.
For reasons unknown I’ve always had an obsession with Hervé Leger dresses. His designs (specifically, the infamous “bandage dress”) are worn by celebrities everywhere from the “G-rated” Hilary Duff to the “wtf-rated” Kim Kardashian.
While his styles have been copied by many a designer, I firmly believe it’s this guy’s bourgeoisie-sounding name, Hervé (pronounced “Her-vay”), that keeps him on celebrity speed-dials. Let’s be honest, if his name was Harvey Ledgerman the closest he would probably come to a Kardashian would be sharing a clearance rack at Sears (nothing against Sears. Love their power tools.).
But I digress…
Yes, some Hervé Leger dresses break some of my personal rules of fashion (ex: There is an inverse relationship between cleavage-exposure and dress length. Respect it. Don’t put all of your “goods” out there at once.) However, by and large his stuff is very flattering to women…Especially the famous ones with an army of stylists and personal trainers.
So, I pondered a Hervé Leger bandage dress. If curvy celebrities like Kim Kardashian can wear them, why can’t I? My delusional thought process went a little something like this:
So, it was settled. I would save myself the $1,000 of purchasing this dress (because I’m not that delusional) and instead rent a Hervé Leger dress from Rent the Runway (more on them in another post), and look absolutely fabulous as my newly pregnant self showed off my bump.
Still, even after making this decision, there was a nagging feeling I couldn’t shake. What if this wasn’t a good idea after all? Since this cocktail party was being hosted by the leader of the free world, maybe I shouldn’t wear the same style of dress I would choose if, say, I was embarking on an all-night bender in Vegas?
To reassure myself, I turned to google. Surely there would be an image of pregnant celebrities looking fabulous and classy in this style of dress.
After typing in “Herve Leger bandage dress” and “pregnant”, this is what I found:
Um…soo…Xtina, girl, I love you. I really do. Your “Stripped” album got me through some major cardio sessions at the gym during my junior year of college. I respect your talent and vocal range so much I’m even willing to overlook that thing you called a “spanish album” back in 2000. Hey, we’ve all had bad days and bad outfit choices, and I understand that (hello, I wore pleated high-waisted corduroys from 1996-1998). So, I hope you’ll understand that this comes from a place of love and respect when I say this was not one of your best looks. (Also, I know you weren’t pregnant in this photo, but for some reason Google Images tagged you as such.)
Safe to say, this look is my “Scared Straight” of fashion. For that, I thank you Xtina.
I realized that even with all the industrial power of Spanx and sticky tape in the world, the bandage dress is not meant to hold in these twins (both the literal ones in the belly and the aspirational ones on my chest). Still, I’m not giving up — one day a Herve Leger will be mine!
(After my bandage dress dreams unraveled, see what I actually ended up wearing here)