So, last night I put toothpaste on my face instead of moisturizer.
Last week I put my shirt on backwards. I wore it anyway. It was a v-neck.
I also went to the grocery store and bought our weekly groceries. After the cashier finished ringing me up, I continued to stand there, staring at her. We had a good 10 second “stare-off” before she finally asked me if I was going to pay for my groceries or not.
And then, my most humiliating experience…
Monday, at Starbucks, I was fixing my coffee with the usual cream/sugar (gasp! pregnant woman drinking coffee!). I grabbed a stir stick to mix everything in my coffee. But instead of throwing the stir stick away, I reached for the carafe of creamer…
…and threw it in the garbage.
In case anyone else was confused.
I realized my mistake right away and was completely humiliated. I mean, people just watched me deliberately throw away a can of half & half. I am officially the moron that I love to make fun of and can’t wait to tell other people about when she gets to the office. Karma really is a bitch.
This whole situation was that much more complicated because I’m completely intimidated by the women who work at my local Starbucks. Even though they call me “sweetie”, they’re quick to roll their eyes and mutter one liners when someone leaves a drink waiting 2 seconds too long. Plus, they manage to yell “SKINNY VANILLA LATTE” with the same fierceness as a drill sergeant. Or Abby Lee on “Dance Moms“. These women are not to be messed with.
This left me with no alternative but to handle the situation in the most mature way possible: Pretend I had nothing to do with it, and blame someone else.
I grabbed the can out of the garbage and brought it over to the counter (because I’m not about to leave a dirty carafe of creamer on the counter for other people to use. gross…and, “you’re welcome”). The following conversation went a little something like this:
Me: “Um, this is going to sound weird. But someone put this can of creamer in the garbage.”
SBux : “SKINNY VANNIL — THEY DID WHAT?”
Me: “Yeah, I don’t know. I just saw this in there and thought you guys would want to replace it with a new one.”
SBux: <rolls eyes> <takes can, turns to other employees> “SOMEBODY PUT THE HALF&HALF IN THE GARBAGE CAN. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? NOW WHO WOULD DO THAT?”
Me: “Uh…I dont know. Someone who clearly hasn’t had their coffee yet! haha..ha..ehh…er…nevermind.”
<cue hurried waddle out of Starbucks>
Obviously, they knew I did it. This may have been almost the worst lie I’ve ever told in my life. To date, my worst lie was purposely bombing an eye exam in 3rd grade so I could wear glasses since I thought they made me look pretty. Sadly, my parents were on to me and made me wear these instead (complete with the around-the-neck thing):
In spite of all this, I’ve somehow been able to keep it together professionally, and isolating this severe case of “baby brain” to social/personal situations only. Because, let’s be honest, the day I sign an email to a client with “xoxo” is the day I’m putting myself on isolated bedrest.
Does anyone else have any good ‘baby brain’ or ‘haven’t had my coffee yet’ stories to share?
I have not stopped laughing the whole way thru your blog!! You are hysterical!! I am pregnant with my third, and can relate with everything you are saying!!! Love your blog!!!
Haha! Love it. The only real baby brain moment I can remember although I know I had more than one… (so wait, is this a mommy-brain moment *inside* of a babybrain moment??) was putting the milk in the cabinet and cereal in the fridge. John just stood there, watched me silently, and then re-arranged evreything as I waddled to the kitchen table and pretended that was TOTALLY normal.
Hillarious….and I appreciate the reference to Dance Moms, my favorite guilty pleasure. Hope all is well
Hysterical! Gotta love baby brain! Sadly, I can’t promise you it will get better. A couple days ago, I caught myself rocking the baby monitor while Emily was crying in her crib!
LOVE the sh*t out of this! i “lost” my prescription prenatal vitamins. and after forcing my husband to tear the house apart (including the garbage) for over an hour, he turned to me and said, “what do they look like again?” i grabbed a bottle off the counter and said “it looks like this, except the label has a purple flower on it,” turning the bottle as i said this…aaaaaand exposing a purple flower on the label. but i didn’t stop there. i said, “like THIS! it looks JUST. LIKE. THIS.” he cleared his throat and asked tentatively if, perhaps, i was holding the “lost” bottle in my hand. i scoffed. and then looked again…and then died of humiliation.
also, i don’t know you, but i’m friends with c.lanspa and am now stalking your blog and i love it. i hope that’s ok and not as creepy as it sounds to me as i type this.
Dude, hilarious!